I read, every Sunday or during the week, the Postsecret Blog. People of all ages send in postcards with secrets on them. Each Sunday the keepers of the blog post a new collection of secrets. Every week, at least one or two secrets grab me, hurt me, resonant with me, or inspire me. A few weeks ago, a postcard secret brought me to tears. No, it wasn’t because someone wanted to kill themselves or that they had been raped. The postcard was of an ocean wave lapping up on a beach at sunset. In the sand, someone has craved the word, “FAITH.” The entire postcard reads, “give me Strength to rediscover my FAITH I miss you (sic).” My tears surprised me. Not until that moment had I discovered I have deconstructed myself out of my long-standing faith. I have become cynical and mockingly anti-g-d. I miss my faith. It was not an uncritical faith, yet it was a faith in which I did not feel abandoned in this world. I felt and believed we all had purposes in life. That kept me going, through all the hellacious events in my life.

Now I do not believe in an intervening g-d. Now I do not believe I have a purpose in life. I am grieving these losses. Life is short and I am ready for the ride to be over. I cannot take one more loss, one more friend disappearing, one more bit of frustration — not one thing more. Some might ask if I abandoned g-d. Good question. But, which g-d? Who g-d? I do not know anymore. I never sought certainty, but I had found what I had come to experience as “g-d” as sustaining. Now I miss “her.” I miss my faith. And I have not an inch more strength to rediscover it.

The Deconstruction of my Faith

Postsecret posted September 16, 2012 at http://www.postsecret.com